Revealed! Kahul Bandhi's original, draft speech!

The Bandhi scion has delivered an inspiring speech launching Gongress’ 2014 General Elections’ campaign; however, Satire Specialist brings you un-leaked Draft speech written by Kahul Bandhi herself, err, himself.
  
                                        

Edited speech: Gongress is not a party. It is an ideology close to our hearts. The idea is 3000 years' old, as depicted in The Gita and The Mahabharat, and has been followed by Emperor Ashoka, Guru Nanak and Mahatma Gandhi.  

Draft speech: Gongress is not a party. It is an idea created to rob the people of this country. The plan is more than 200 years old, showed to us by our predecessors from London. Impersonate an ideology and steal before they realize what exactly is happening and then even if they come to know, they’ll have to fight hard to come out of it! 

Edited speech: The prime minister of the country will be elected in accordance with the Constitution, which says the PM is elected by MPs.

Draft speech: I’m not yet named as PM candidate as the person is selected only after we win the elections and this year we are going to nani ke ghar Italy (pun intended *Kahul thinking: I hope pun means what I think)

Edited speech: We need 12 LPG cylinders as nine subsidised cooking gas cylinders are not enough.

Draft speech: We need 12 LPG cylinders as nine subsidized cooking gas cylinders are not enough for us to rob people, though we raised the prices to unimaginable heights!

Edited speech: Aadhar is a revolutionary step and RTI is the single biggest achievements of the Gongress.

Draft speech: The other achievements are Karvind Aejriwal’s victory, India winning World Cup, the Mars Orbiter Mission and don’t think I’m bragging, but I also count the fall of Indian rupee to a 20-year low of 68.8450 against the US dollar.

Edited speech: A "change" is taking place in the country and the party needs to meet the "aspirations" of the common man, who wants a "fair deal".

Draft speech: A change is taking place in the country, which is bound to take us down to dump and the party needs to meet the aspirations of the common party members, who want more bribes and scandals so to rob enough to survive until we come to power again! 

Edited speech: This is not just another election to be fought. This is a turning point for India and no one is willing to compromise.

Draft speech: This is not any another election for us since we are certain of defeat and so mamma told me this would be a practice session for me. This is a downward-going point for Gongress and so they compromised my PM candidateship *sobbing.

Edited speech: Unless women are empowered, India can't stand on its feet. We are fighting their battle.

Draft speech: Unless women are empowered, India can’t stand on its feet and so we are making sure that the country stays lying down by delaying justice! We are fighting this battle against them with all our hearts. 

Edited speech: Opposition is even capable of selling combs to a bald man.

Draft speech: Opposition is even capable of selling tea, I can’t do that and so I should become PM, mamma said so.

Edited speech: We will raise the living standards of those stuck between the poverty line and middle class.

Draft speech: We will change the living standards of those stuck between the poverty line and middle class, by eliminating this class discrimination with our price hikes. Even middle class will enjoy the life of poor. Equality to all!

**I don't own the image! Please don't prosecute me!! :/

Almost everyone is a critic these days!

   Eleven out of ten youngsters in Hyderabad these days are movie critic, according to a survey conducted by Satire Specialist. 

   Movie reviewing on open media channels has turned a rage across the country with self-claimed reviewers taking on to Facebook and every accessible social media to express their views, rather judgments about the movie right from the taking to the casting!

   The mania that was first spotted in Hyderabad didn't take much time before spreading to other parts of Andhra Pradesh and soon star-idolizing fans started writing about the movies of their favorite god-like heroes and their heroes' arch-rivals.

   Further, the Telugu filmmakers are seeking expertise of these young movie critics, who seem to have more knowledge about film making without ever visiting a shooting set.

   “We don’t need any experience or to visit a movie set, we can look at the trailer and forecast fate of the movie!” said an 18-year-old reviewer.

   “I would’ve hardly watched 50 movies, but that couldn’t stop me from judging if a movie will do good, or fade away!” added the reviewer with a grin that almost tore his cheeks.

   “I don’ wanna spen so much for a about 2 hour movie, man, I lov these reviews, yo; these guys saved me so much money, I just downloaded the movies, which they said were not worth it! Though I liked them, but still, I love you guys, yo!” said a fan of the latest generation of reviewers.

                                                                              

   

                                                                    

   However, a devoted follower of these reviewers came up with a new issue. According to him, for some movies, these reviewers have divided opinion and that confuses us whether to watch the movie or download it from torrent.

   “Since when did one person’s opinion started having such a wide acceptance? We can decide on our own if a movie is good or bad, or whether if we want to watch it or not. We don’t need anyone’s opinion!” pointed an insane movie-goer, but none took it seriously. It could’ve been a disaster for our budding reviewers.

   The trend fast caught notice of other fan organizations across the South India, before it extended to Northern, Western and Eastern part of the country.

   Meanwhile, to cash on the rage, Mark Zuckerberg is planning to launch a new website, Facebookforjoblessreviewers.com, wherein the youngsters can write their opinions on the upcoming movies! 

**I don't own the rights to the image!

Indian Patriotism: Suit yourself is our mantra!

   “Indian flag is included in WhatsApp flag list!!” I’ve been hearing this statement for a couple of days (I’ve said that myself too), besides being bombarded with icons of Indian flag. We Indians are proud of every little thing we achieve, every little honor we are bestowed upon.

   Not that I’m against the celebration of such an event, but what boggles my imagination is our idea of patriotism.

   Why does our love for the country burst out only during Independence Day or Republic Day, why doesn’t our playlist include patriotic songs on the other normal day? We still can’t recollect our National Anthem without making atleast two mistakes and we still shout Proud to be an Indian!

                                                                                

   One side we rhetorically condemn the inappropriate actions of US authorities against Indian diplomat Devyani Khobragade, and on the other side, we criticize and insult a woman (Samantha) who voiced her opinion – exercising her Right to Expression – against a regressive movie poster (Mahesh Babu’s latest movie poster). Is our love for the country and countrymen conditional?

   We celebrated upon the victory of Arvind Kejriwal during the recent Delhi elections, singing songs of righteousness and ultimate patriotism, but how many of us genuinely followed his journey after the eventual death of Anna Hazare’s anti-corruption movement? Probably, we were busy with our own lives. I wonder who would’ve won the elections, had Kejriwal been busy with his own life!

   Why don’t we see young Indians flaunting images of Bhagat Singh or Chandrasekhar Azad on their vehicles or clothes?

   Probably we show our patriotism only when it suits us, only when things are in our favor!

   We are proud of our country, we have reasons to be, but is our country proud of us? Are we giving it any reasons??

“English” New Year or “Telugu” Ugadi – Isn’t a reason enough to celebrate?

When the whole city is drenched in the fervor of New Year, few “righteous groups” are running after people with towels of cultural values, asking them to stop celebrating the “English” New Year.

The groups such as Raavan Dal and Yuva Asura Dal are propagating the idea that being an Indian moreover a Telugian (Telugu person) one should only celebrate Ugadi as a New Year, instead of following a foreign tradition. Also, they have suggested other regional New Years to choose from.

The members of these groups are flooding their friends’ Facebook profiles with anti New Year posts, as a result of which many silent Romeos are finding it strenuous to spot the post updated by their crushes.

Although this may be seen as a negligible propaganda now, but young corporate employees and students fear the extension of this revolution to other foreign traditions such as Valentines’ Day or even Mothers’ Day.

A not-so-popular-but-awesome blog Satire Specialist has stated that if these groups want to ban the “English” New Year and celebrate only Ugadi, they should better do away with English calendars and follow Telugu I-don’t-know-what-is-it-called (with all due respect).  

However, the statement has given these righteous groups one more reason to protest and now they are demanding for the ban of English Calendar.

                                                                           

With this latest protest, students and employees are comparing different calendar to see which version has more number of holidays – English or Telugu and support that side of baigan. They are also ope to the idea of referring to other linguistic calendars.

Meanwhile, within the Telugu speaking region, formerly known as Andhra Pradesh, politicians from Telangana region demand for a separate calendar, wherein they want to declare Bonalu as the beginning of New Year. The remaining part of the state is calling for a unified calendar, claiming they have created the months of present Telugu calendar.

All-in-all, everyone is protesting and fighting for something they want, so why not we do what we want – let’s celebrate New Year, irrespective of its origination.

Happy New Year