Dhoni announces Test retirement and the world goes crazy!

Of late I've come across some FB posts from pseudo cricket specialists, who apparently believe they know better than the man who has scored more runs than the days they must have lived. Yet, they feel that they are better than the man. It's actually a pity thinking about these ignorant humans. However, a broad perspective will make one realize that this ignorance is not just limited to cricket or sports, we find these people, with their limited knowledge, comment, criticize and demean those who have achieved quite a lot than they ever dreamed for themselves. Yet, their cloud of shallow pride is so dense that they fail to look beyond what they want to see.

Apparently, most of Dhoni's haters are the fans of Sourav Ganguly, Virendra Sehwag and other senior players, and the reason is he opted to drop these 'aging' players. However, I respect him more for his guts and courage to drop these great players of past to give chance to the future of Indian Cricket. If they had not retired, we wouldn't have had possibly the next captain and Cricket wonder Virat Kohli, Double Century hitter Rohit Sharma, Opener of the range of Sehwag in the form of Shikhar Dhawan.

                                                                          

It was under Dhoni's captaincy that India won World Cup after some 28 years, during which the greats Sachin Tendulkar,  Sourav Ganguly and Rahul Dravid had lead the team to losing end in world cup tournaments. Yet, these ignorant friends fail to credit him for his awesome captaincy, and that too leading a team of new and inexperienced players.

If you guys put your judgmental goggles aside, you'll see that Dhoni has always took a step back after winning the trophy, allowing his team to celebrate and never claimed credit for victories. You can hardly find Dhoni holding world cup trophy the day India won it. That is what selfless and humble person looks like. He's untouched by glories and accolades. Yet, you'll find some people who'll only criticize people for doing their duty right. However, what they don't realize is that they'll be the same all through - untouched with criticism and discouragement.

Finally, Satire Specialist offers its deepest condolences to Dhoni's haters as they'll not be able to troll him any further. Go find some other scapegoat.

When you get blocked!

The first thing you notice is that you are not allowed to look at their picture. You think that they have removed the profile pic and have hidden their 'last seen'. Then you text them, only to see the single tick. You wait for one more tick and then for them to turn blue. You wait. And wait. And wait, only to realize that your messages are not being delivered.

You feel that they are out of Internet balance, so you text then a sms and live the next few hours or days in denial that she must have read your message. Your denial mode could end up in few minutes if you are smart enough to doubt whether you've been blocked.

You'll borrow your friend's mobile and cross check the person's Whatsapp account. Unfortunately, which is most often the case, you'll see the person online on your friend's mobile, but in your's you can't even look at the picture. That moment you feel a strong thud on your chest and your eyes get well up; but, you tell yourself you are strong and can deal with such silly issues, while inside your heart you feel like being a coward and cry over it.

You text them on Facebook Messenger, and that moment you again fall in love with Facebook, as it instantly let's you know that you've been blocked with Mark Zuckerberg sparing you the suspense. However, the intensity of thud feels the same.

                                                                            

Now you fear calling them, for the obvious reason of getting hurt again, if the person has blocked your number as well. Very soon you'll learn that's true. That's the precise moment you'll realize that you've been blocked from the person's life. You'll not feel the thud, this time, rather you'll have yourself sitting down and getting high with their memories, knowing very well that it will only end up hurting you more.

You watch every memory you have of that person run through your mind, thereby making your heart feel a little heavy and at some point of time, it feels so heavy that you wonder if you can burn it down to ashes.

Nevertheless, it will not stop you from daydreaming about the person. You'll read your conversations and try to recollect those moments. You remember yourself picking up the cell, and checking if they read your text and right then they'll start typing, making you feel a tickle in your stomach. You'll start missing all those late night chats, and stealing out few seconds to text few words during a busy day. You search for them in Fb, when it shows you a injured thumb, pretty ironic.

When you finally accept that it's all done, you'll play a sad song on loop and try to move on, easier said than done.

After 'Kiss Of Love', Students Launch 'Drug Of Life' movement

Inspired by the much talked about 'Kiss of Love' event, a group of youngsters have given a call for yet another movement named, 'Drug of Life', after police raided and arrested a cafe owner for running a drug-haven in Kochi.

“We are calling for a peaceful protest, where we'll take drugs, smoke hukkah and chillum in public,” said a 'Free Thinker' protester, “We're not hurting anyone.”

                                                                                  

However, the rival group of 'moral police' made slogans against the public drug abuse. “Respect Indian culture” they shouted.

For this a Free Thinker came face to face with a Moral Policer wearing a tilak on his forehead and said, “Smoking weed is our culture, Lord Shiva was a drug addict, who always smoked and had bhang and even our sadhus indulge in drug abuse.”

He brought out his chillum, took a deep puff and blew out thick cloud of smoke with his eyes closed facing the sky. The people around him broke into hysterical cough.

“And we're not hurting anyone,” he added and took another long puff.

“We don't need any moral police keeping a watch on us. We are just like-minded people sitting together and doing what we love and in a way, we are spreading love – we share our chillums and hukkah flavors,” said a woman protester.

“It's a shame that you're doing these immoral acts being a girl,” slammed a guy from moral police group.

“You Indians always discriminate and disrespect women. We are no less in anything from men,” she shouted her lungs out.

“You are an Indian as well. Do your parents know you're part of this protest?”

“It's my life and I have a right to expression. I'll do...”

“Roshni?” called out an elderly looking man with a syringe in his hand. She turned to him, “Papa?” He dropped his syringe and she covered her face!

*I don't own the picture.

Eat and Let Us Eat Meat!

“Murderer!” shouted a group of people as I was about to mouth broccoli and spinach hooked to my fork, sitting comfortably in a restaurant couch.

“It’s a veg salad; I’m a vegetarian, I don’t eat meat,” I told them proudly.

“Oh, so you think plants have no life? What you’ve stabbed was once alive, it was killed so that you can fill your stomach!” said one fierce woman.

“B…B…But, we cultivate these plants and crops so that they can serve as our food. We grow them and we eat them,” I said trying to put together my shattered pride.

“You grow them, so you eat them! You feel you can kill them just because they can’t speak or move! What’s the difference between you and flesh-eaters, then?”

I was left stammering and they left stamping a sticker on my t-shirt. It read:

                                                                          

PETP – People for the Ethical Treatment of Plants

Plants and trees are not ours to eat, wear, experiment on, use for decoration or abuse in any way.

“Eat air and drink water, not plants or their products and milk!” they kept chanting.

That sounded so stupid, wasn’t it? So, shut up and let us non-vegetarians eat what we eat. We would like another piece of chicken, rather listen to your stupid piece of moral!

Electricity-hit Hyderabad to be Wi-Fi zone - Makes sense?

In what is said as an unexpected move, the Telangana government has vowed to make Hyderabad a Wi-Fi enabled city to boost IT sector, while the citizens were expecting for uninterrupted electricity supply.

In a much more surprising turn of events, the city’s software developers have extended their support to the TRS government’s plans stating the move would be a huge help for the developers whose primary need for survival is internet.

“A wide network of internet is the need of the hour,” said a surveyed member.  Completely out of context note, the word ‘hour’ reminded me that there’s no power for two hours and battery levels of my laptop has dropped to 27%.

Meanwhile, a research conducted by Satire Specialist revealed that nearly 99.475% of surveyed Hyderabadis are in favor of a Wi-Fi enabled city.

                                                                               

            

However, one guy raised the question about the requirement of electricity in the state.

“Without proper supply of electricity, Wi-Fi would mean nothing,” he said.

The software developers slammed the guy for being backward thinker and called him an ignorant. They affirmed that Wi-Fi should be the priority, as it is the basic need for today’s generation.

“Why would it mean nothing?” protested the favorers, “Look at the bigger picture – Hyderabad will be an IT capital. Everything else can wait.”

One of the developers took out his flashy smartphone and said, “I’ll show you in how many ways internet supply is better than other requirements… Oh shit, my battery’s dead. Now, I’ll have to wait for power to come!”

“But, I’m telling you, this would make Hyderabad a hi-tech place,” he added, sliding his cell back in his pocket.

Well, the bottom-line is majority of Hyderabadis, who happened to be majorly software employees, are in favor of the government’s plans. But how they charge their devices with frequent and unannounced power cuts is yet to be known.

*Image Courtesy: Jokideo.com

Inspired by Havells #RespectWomen Campaign!

A confused woman driving a car looks at her friend sitting beside her.

‘I think we are lost, I can’t make out where we are,’ she says, ‘I’ll call my husband.’

She calls her husband and asks for directions informing her where she is.

He drives all the way to her and gives explains her usage of GPS, before telling her friend, ‘my wife thinks I’m a route map.’

#RespectMen

          _____________________________________________________________________

Two families meet up to plan an arranged marriage.

The girl’s mother says,‘We came across a lot of matches for our daughter, but we were looking for the best boy, the one well-settled and well-earning.’

For this, the guy goes out and brings back a plant pot. He says, “Antuy-ji, actually this is the money ‘plant’, not me!’

‘You daughter can settle down with it wherever she wants.’
#RespectMen

         _______________________________________________________________________

A woman summons her husband when she switches on the TV to find blank screen.

‘Honey, please pay the cable bill. What will my friends think of me when they see we default our bills?’she says.

Her husband emerges from a room along with a laptop and places it in front of her.

He tells her, ‘Sweetheart, please pay the cable bill online. What will your friends think of you when they come to know you can’t even pay the cable bill?’

‘I’m not your personal assistant, you see.’
#RespectMen.

Elections special: Its time! Let’s have some fun!

Elections time is here, or should I say peak business season for media industry!

No matter who wins the election, people who always have the last laugh is the media (no, I’m not stating this because I’m an agent of AAP). However, I’m not writing to rap them – though, all the political parties would do that, eventually (Congress’ Sushil Shinde and AAP’s Arvind Kejriwal have already begun the tradition).

Starting with something ordinary, Aam Aadmi Party that stormed the Delhi Elections went on to demolish peoples’ hopes, after chief minister Arvind Kejriwal did something that was never-seen-before in Indian politics – giving up the CM’s post!

At the end of this, it looked as if Mr AK visited Delhi Secretariat for Christmas vacations – ‘winters over, chalo abhi ghar’ he was, apparently, reported as saying by Satire Specialist.

After his stunt at Delhi was over, AAP started their Summer special ‘All India Tour’ and before the end of the first day of AAP’s four-day verification-tour to Gujarat, AAP supremo Arvind Kejriwal stated that there is no development in the state, as claimed by its CM Narendra Modi.

During the visit, AAP’s team was allegedly attacked by BJP-led goons. Hearing this news, initial reactions came from, surprisingly, Congress vice president Rahul Gandhi. He said, “Other CM’s should take a page from NaMo’s book. He has really empowered his citizens,” before adding, “I don’t know why people say its ‘leaf from the book’, books have pages in it. See Mamma, I’m smart!”

                                                                        

After Rahul Gandhi’s interview with Arnab Goswami, the well-known journalist had a nervous breakdown, the news of which was overshadowed by the furor caused by the interview. Women, all across the nation, conducted rallies demanding ban on Gandhi scion’s ‘women empowerment’ chant.

“We don’t want to be empowered anymore,” a protesting woman stated.

Coming to Mr Narendra Modi, Gujarat CM’s desire to become prime minister of India seems similar to a corporate guy’s expectations of promotion after working for years on the same position. Just like an employee moves around the team exhibiting his works and making contacts, NaMo is travelling across the country selling himself.

He came out of his kingdom only after he was sure that his citizens are capable of causing riots without his guidance and they did make him proud by attacking AAP!

**I don't own the image! Please don't prosecute me!! :/

Kingfisher Airlines employees want to be auctioned at IPL7

In a rather surprising turn of events at IPL7 auction venue, it was reported that hundreds of striking Kingfisher Airlines’ employees have submitted applications to IPL board and BCCI, wanting to be auctioned during the event.

The latest development was seen as peculiar, one-of-its-kind and unexpected issue, where everyone was waiting for suspense of which player would be tagged most to unravel.

Upon enquiring further, it was revealed that these employees have turned up at the auction, coming right from the protests.

“We just learned that Mr. Mallya is shelling out money at the auctions, with a cheerful face and without any excuses – like the one he gives us – so we showed up here,” explained an employee.

The airline management is due to pay its employees’ salary of nearly 13 months and Mr. Mallya, with quite visible concern, asked them to call off protest because he can’t pay them with no funds in the company.

“I just came to know that Mr. Mallya spent Rs 14crore for Yuvraj Singh! Is that true? That’s twice the money he owes me,” said a man with starving-since-centuries expressions.

The employees’ claimed that they understand Mr. Mallya’s circumstances with government rules refraining transfer of funds from one company to another, or something like that, and so we’ve come here where he’ll have no problem spending crores.

“And that too for about a month’s services!” said one expectant pilot-by-profession.

These employees can be auctioned under C-grade category and the experience in cricket is of little significance with the format of the game requiring only good bat-swinging ability, which can be developed with little training, said experts.

“If the board doesn’t allow us to take part in auction then we are ready to protest,” threatened the group, "we are even mulling to collaborate with protest specialist Mr. Arvind Kejriwal."

“We’ve been protesting for so long that it has become our secondary profession,” few murmured.

Asatya Madanna, the new cheap… err… chief of MacroHard

The head office of Education Department of Hyderabad has been ambushed by the education groups of the city to protest the injustice meted out to them.

It all started with the universe famous American hardcore company MacroHard appointing Asatya Madanna as its cheap… err… chief executive office, and eventually his background enquiry revealed that Madanna did his schooling from Hillampuri Municipal School in 1982.

This was enough for success-obsessed Indian parents to decide that their children would study only in HMS and approached their kids’ current school, seeking transfer.

“Even my son will go on to become CEO, or president or something of some big company one day!” said one mother excitedly, while her son was innocently mumbling that he doesn’t want to go to some other school.

As a result of this, almost all the schools in the city hardly have any attending pupil.

“We are ready to give our students all it takes to become a CEO of foreign companies; we’ve prepared all the manuscripts for the same and are planning to cut down play hours and exam schedules. Making them CEOs will be our priority, give us one chance!” pleaded principal of Chappal Bazaar Public School.

Even the management of HMS is facing an understandable issue with this bulk of in-pouring admissions and having no proper infrastructure to accommodate them.

“We will buy more space and educate more kids,” said a teacher of HMS. Apparently, the management has overtaken the adjoining space, which was until yesterday a tabla.

Meanwhile, the alumni of HMS are set to carry out a procession in the honor of Asatya, and have built a huge idol of him, holding the icon of MacroHard.

“We were very good friends in school, I (would) always sit beside him in the school,” said one elated batch-mate, who himself owns a chain of tea stalls around HMS.

“It took him (so many) years to head a company, while I started soon after school and now heads Shiva Chaiwala company!” he shared his successful story.

“Everyonewho studies in HMS will become head of some company,” he almost snatched the mike to add this line.

In other developments, AsatyaMadanna’s intermediate, graduate, post-graduate and management institutes have expressed their discontent over exclusion of names of their institutes in introducing the new cheap… er… chief.

They demand that Asatya should be introduced as: IBS, IMET, SCJrC, HMS, Hillampuri, India-born, US-residential AsatyaMadanna.

All-in-all, Indians are proud of his success (what is so surprising in this any way; we Indians celebrate everything).

Revealed! Kahul Bandhi's original, draft speech!

The Bandhi scion has delivered an inspiring speech launching Gongress’ 2014 General Elections’ campaign; however, Satire Specialist brings you un-leaked Draft speech written by Kahul Bandhi herself, err, himself.
  
                                        

Edited speech: Gongress is not a party. It is an ideology close to our hearts. The idea is 3000 years' old, as depicted in The Gita and The Mahabharat, and has been followed by Emperor Ashoka, Guru Nanak and Mahatma Gandhi.  

Draft speech: Gongress is not a party. It is an idea created to rob the people of this country. The plan is more than 200 years old, showed to us by our predecessors from London. Impersonate an ideology and steal before they realize what exactly is happening and then even if they come to know, they’ll have to fight hard to come out of it! 

Edited speech: The prime minister of the country will be elected in accordance with the Constitution, which says the PM is elected by MPs.

Draft speech: I’m not yet named as PM candidate as the person is selected only after we win the elections and this year we are going to nani ke ghar Italy (pun intended *Kahul thinking: I hope pun means what I think)

Edited speech: We need 12 LPG cylinders as nine subsidised cooking gas cylinders are not enough.

Draft speech: We need 12 LPG cylinders as nine subsidized cooking gas cylinders are not enough for us to rob people, though we raised the prices to unimaginable heights!

Edited speech: Aadhar is a revolutionary step and RTI is the single biggest achievements of the Gongress.

Draft speech: The other achievements are Karvind Aejriwal’s victory, India winning World Cup, the Mars Orbiter Mission and don’t think I’m bragging, but I also count the fall of Indian rupee to a 20-year low of 68.8450 against the US dollar.

Edited speech: A "change" is taking place in the country and the party needs to meet the "aspirations" of the common man, who wants a "fair deal".

Draft speech: A change is taking place in the country, which is bound to take us down to dump and the party needs to meet the aspirations of the common party members, who want more bribes and scandals so to rob enough to survive until we come to power again! 

Edited speech: This is not just another election to be fought. This is a turning point for India and no one is willing to compromise.

Draft speech: This is not any another election for us since we are certain of defeat and so mamma told me this would be a practice session for me. This is a downward-going point for Gongress and so they compromised my PM candidateship *sobbing.

Edited speech: Unless women are empowered, India can't stand on its feet. We are fighting their battle.

Draft speech: Unless women are empowered, India can’t stand on its feet and so we are making sure that the country stays lying down by delaying justice! We are fighting this battle against them with all our hearts. 

Edited speech: Opposition is even capable of selling combs to a bald man.

Draft speech: Opposition is even capable of selling tea, I can’t do that and so I should become PM, mamma said so.

Edited speech: We will raise the living standards of those stuck between the poverty line and middle class.

Draft speech: We will change the living standards of those stuck between the poverty line and middle class, by eliminating this class discrimination with our price hikes. Even middle class will enjoy the life of poor. Equality to all!

**I don't own the image! Please don't prosecute me!! :/

Almost everyone is a critic these days!

   Eleven out of ten youngsters in Hyderabad these days are movie critic, according to a survey conducted by Satire Specialist. 

   Movie reviewing on open media channels has turned a rage across the country with self-claimed reviewers taking on to Facebook and every accessible social media to express their views, rather judgments about the movie right from the taking to the casting!

   The mania that was first spotted in Hyderabad didn't take much time before spreading to other parts of Andhra Pradesh and soon star-idolizing fans started writing about the movies of their favorite god-like heroes and their heroes' arch-rivals.

   Further, the Telugu filmmakers are seeking expertise of these young movie critics, who seem to have more knowledge about film making without ever visiting a shooting set.

   “We don’t need any experience or to visit a movie set, we can look at the trailer and forecast fate of the movie!” said an 18-year-old reviewer.

   “I would’ve hardly watched 50 movies, but that couldn’t stop me from judging if a movie will do good, or fade away!” added the reviewer with a grin that almost tore his cheeks.

   “I don’ wanna spen so much for a about 2 hour movie, man, I lov these reviews, yo; these guys saved me so much money, I just downloaded the movies, which they said were not worth it! Though I liked them, but still, I love you guys, yo!” said a fan of the latest generation of reviewers.

                                                                              

   

                                                                    

   However, a devoted follower of these reviewers came up with a new issue. According to him, for some movies, these reviewers have divided opinion and that confuses us whether to watch the movie or download it from torrent.

   “Since when did one person’s opinion started having such a wide acceptance? We can decide on our own if a movie is good or bad, or whether if we want to watch it or not. We don’t need anyone’s opinion!” pointed an insane movie-goer, but none took it seriously. It could’ve been a disaster for our budding reviewers.

   The trend fast caught notice of other fan organizations across the South India, before it extended to Northern, Western and Eastern part of the country.

   Meanwhile, to cash on the rage, Mark Zuckerberg is planning to launch a new website, Facebookforjoblessreviewers.com, wherein the youngsters can write their opinions on the upcoming movies! 

**I don't own the rights to the image!